It has been brought to my attention by my fellow Newspaper staff members that there is a rampant rebellion against the status quo occurring right under our very noses. For years, people everywhere have behaved as they should, like civilized, sane, law- and moral-abiding humans. For years, we have gone about our lives, not threatened by a certain horrible accident of nature. But today, I faced death.

Unbothered, minding my own business while working on an article, I hear a commotion. A few desks over, Pricilla is enjoying her usual fourth-hour snack. Nothing is very unusual about that. She offers some to Juan, and that’s when I realize. Pricilla’s “innocent” snack is actually an abomination, a disgusting mistake. A raisin.

For a few seconds, I’m too shocked to say anything. “Did you want some, Indigo?” Pricilla tosses a wrinkled, dried-out chunk towards me. I scream and nearly fall out of my chair trying to avoid the atrocity that is flying towards me. The dehydrated grape falls on the ground, and I continue to scream. The cops are called. Children cry. Cities fall.

A day later, I visit Pricilla in prison. She’s been through intense interrogation for hours. The FBI has confiscated over forty-two pounds of raisins from her house. Her family is under government watch. I only have one question for her – why? She’s crying. “I did it for the Rebellion. We can’t live like this any longer.”

I shake my head. I never expected one of my closest friends to betray me like this. I leave her alone, crying in her cell. I vow to hunt down every last raisin rebel – they’ve been raisin heck for too long. They took my dear friend Pricilla away from me, leaving a person I don’t even recognize. I won’t let it happen again.

Nature never intended for this to happen. Too many innocent cookies have been defiled. Too many perfectly good lunches tainted by boxes of disaster. It’s time to put an end to this. Join me to help raise awareness against a horrible, dangerous threat to our society.

Make America Raisin Free Again.